Be Distant From Your Partner
Be distant when you feel distant. Be close when you feel close.
When you’re feeling close to your partner, be close (cuddle, flirt, play).
When you’re feeling separate from your partner, be separate (do your own thing, do conflict).
If this feels wrong to you, perhaps you’re subscribing to romanticism.
The religion of “romanticism” is rampant in our culture.
Romanticism idolizes closeness and is appalled by separateness.
(Look at magazines or movies for modern day gospels of romanticism).
Believing that a “good” relationship should feel mostly closeness creates tremendous suffering in society because both separateness and closeness are part of every relationship.
Paradoxically this belief leads people to love their partner less.
Separateness and closeness are inseparable.
This is the nature of 2 separate individuals (with different preferences and pasts)
joining to create one union.
2 sides make up one coin.
You cannot have heads without tails.
Because of the religion of romanticism:
Couples try to only display their closeness side in public and
feel shame if they are currently experiencing separateness.
Since separateness is hidden in public by peers (because of its perceived wrongness), people feel like they are doing relationship wrong.
(The only thing that’s wrong is romanticism).
In this age of romanticism
people see therapists because they feel separateness.
But often their relationship is not broken.
They believe they are broken -
a belief that begins to create real problems in a relationship.
Most modern therapists try to fix separateness, even writing research papers and theories on repairing closeness - perpetuating the suffering.
This is reminiscent of a recent past:
People saw a doctor for their sexual orientation because they were
told or felt that they were broken.
This belief of brokenness caused actual problems -
But they were actually perfect as they were.
Many doctors of the time tried “treating” their queerness, even writing research papers and theories on repairing straightness - perpetuating the suffering.
Romanticism is a very modern invention in the history of humanity.
Future generations may be confused by it the same way we are confused by previous generations relational beliefs.
Is separateness what causes suffering, or is it our belief that separateness is a problem that causes suffering in relationships?
Can we have a relationship with separateness just like we have a relationship with closeness?
For a week try: When you are feeling separateness, see what it’s like to give yourself permission to feel the feeling of separateness as if it’s not a problem: without rushing to fix it, nor rushing to create harmony. Do you find more or less peace?
Invite your partner in on the experiment.
Do you begin to feel more or less love for each other?
You may be surprised.
Resources:
Bruce Tift’s book Already Free for teaching me about Separateness and Closeness
Alain De Botton on Romanticism killing love
To work with me as your sex and relationship coach or to recommend me to a friend, contact me at www.aaronfrazin.com