Hoping Someone Will Change
An examination into hoping that someone will change their ways.
In a previous breakup, I found myself Googling “do people change?” but all the articles fed my anxiety - masked as hope - and I fed fed fed like it was ice cream. I’m writing the article I wish was written for myself in that trance state:
“If only they would change X, then will it work?”
“What if I change Y about myself, then will it work?”
Answer:
When you can’t stop obsessing about something - the question you’re thinking about doesn’t matter, because obsession = you’re triggered.
Obsession is a way of resisting the truth
Obsession means you are refusing to accept something “intolerable” to you: a feeling or a truth.
Want to stop feeling obsession? Accept and allow the possibility of the intolerable truth or feeling, rather than solving it.
Soften into what the intolerable truth is.
Get to see what the real feeling is (mad, sad, glad, fear, shame - perhaps grief). Breathe with the feeling in your body for a minute or two, doing nothing but breathing into where you feel in your body. Follow your changing experience.
Release it by allowing what the truth is that you don’t want to accept. Spend some time allowing the truth, speaking the painful truth into existence with a gentle smile or a “yes” after it. Accept the thing you resist accepting: “I’ve lost them- yes” or “My future dream is gone and I’m really sad - yes” or “Someone dislikes me, I am someone that can be disliked - yes.” We try to resist so many things that conflict with our “identity” of ourselves, but if we can accept even the parts of us that are disliked, instead of making ourselves more likable, or accept that we are lonely or heartbroken, instead of running from that present truth, we unfold into more love of our self and others because we allow painful feelings that we used to abandon.
Obsession often comes in the form of some hope for a different future or change in someone. This seems like hope. However:
Compulsive hope is an addiction
Ruminating in hope/fantasy allows us to numb pain like any other addiction.
Compulsive hope is an aversion to a painful feeling - often grief; inviting that painful feeling to belong inside you is the invitation.
I'm not saying don’t hope; hope is fuel for life!
I'm saying that when you find yourself ruminating in hope or “what if”, it’s a sign you may be avoiding a difficult feeling or truth. The real antidote is to have acceptance of the more difficult truth, and allow the possibility that it might occur, or fully feel the feeling (often, grief) that the obsession is enabling you to avoid fully feeling. What might it be like to stay with your sadness or say aloud a few times “I’m sad about _.”
After you’ve fully felt the feeling or allowed the truth, then from this more grounded place you can tackle your problem solving, if it’s still necessary.