The Equation For Hot Sex
Math equations used by sex therapists to help lovers flame desire
Possibly the most famous math equation sex therapists use is: Sexual Excitement = Attraction + Obstacles. This is from the book The Erotic Mind.
The premise is: if you had good sex with your partner, but no longer do, perhaps it’s not that you’ve lost attraction but that you’ve lost obstacles. At the beginning of a relationship you have a lot of obstacles, like whether or not you like each other the same way or if you should make a move or not.
This equation shows why we’re often drawn to people we don’t feel like we can have, or who are playing hard to get. The build up of tension creates excitement and a pull for resolution when mixed with attraction.
These obstacles are the basis of most good smut and romance novels (oh my gosh we shouldn’t because you’re my boss [obstacle] - or, is the popular jock really into me, the nerd? [obstacle]).
Inevitably these obstacles go away as people create safety together or the obstacles disappear :(. Oh, the consequences of love. Does love (emotional safety) kill lust? Not if you learn the following:
The Sex Equation for Long Term Relationships
The obstacles equation does a great job of explaining why you feel so much lust at the beginning of a relationship and why you’re attracted to particular people you can’t have, but doesn’t cover how to keep that excitement going in a long term relationship when the obstacles have disappeared.
Fortunately, obstacles aren’t needed - it’s what the obstacles create that is needed: an intense internal experience that you yearn to resolve.
I believe the equation for making sex spicy, no matter the obstacles or length of relationship is:
Very Hot Sex = Sexual Pleasure + Tolerable Internal Intensity
Sexual Pleasure: The experience of enjoyable sensations (touches, sounds, sunshine, anticipation, words) mixed with sexual arousal.
Internal Intensity: We feel internal intensity when we feel strong emotions (falling in love, anxiety, shame, anger, etc) or strong sensations (pain and pleasure). When people talk about the best sex they’ve ever had, they are often referring to an experience involving intense sensations/emotions mixed with sexual pleasure. The obvious example is the internal intensity of being nervous whether or not you should kiss someone for the first time, and then intense pleasure as you both go in for the kiss. Contrast that with a kiss you weren’t nervous about; pleasurable - but not a peak erotic experience. It’s missing tension.
Tolerable: Think about using salt in a recipe. Too much kills pleasure (in sex: if you’ve ever felt too nervous, you stop being present). Too little and you’ll be bored.
The boundary between intolerable and tolerable internal intensity is slim. Most, if not all, of anyone’s hottest sexual experiences live on the edge right before tolerable becomes intolerable. We can only tolerate internal intensity for so long before we crave release; hence, passionate sex and often intense orgasms.
There are many flavors of internal intensity that you can explore to create a great sex life with your lover. In the next section, note the ones that spark your curiosity.
The Flavors of Sexual Intensity:
There are many flavors of intensity. I like using the term “flavors” because it implies preference (I like cilantro whereas a friend might hate cilantro) and because you can build your own recipe once you've explored or had the experience to determine what flavors you like.
Anxiety + pleasure:
Obstacles: Do they like me? Should I…
Could we get caught? Playing with each other under the table at a restaurant or blinds open.
Feeling unsafe while safe enough: Power dynamics or pain where you trust the person.
Consensual Non-Consent: Requires lots of trust and negotiation.
The feeling of a lot on the line: Starting to really like someone, perhaps
“I shouldn’t but…”: This is my boss, this is my friend, this isn’t allowed, I shouldn’t do this, but oh my gosh I’m being taken over by my feelings. Should I, should I not? But it feels so good?
Unsure if what you want to do is wanted: Do they like this touch? Do they want me?
Playing with deep eye contact or deep listening to intense emotions
Touching in a way you want to but you’re not sure is wanted
Feeling vulnerable
Shame + pleasure:
Being degraded: Perhaps called a slut or made to do humiliating things.
Playing with social conventions you’ve been taught are “bad”
Playing as a gender other than which you identify
Playing with weakness or powerlessness, which is a social convention many of us learn not to embody
Wearing clothes you feel ashamed to wear.
Playing a role you feel ashamed to be in.
Playing with an emotion you are taught was bad or you got punished for as a kid.
Being watched doing something you only do in private
Queerness, if you feel both wrong and excited about another sex.
Anger + pleasure:
Breakup sex
Sex after a fight
Sex with someone you hate, but are attracted to: “I hate that guy, he’s an asshole, so why is the sex so good?”
Wrestling and fighting
Edging: Creating a lot of frustration (a subset of anger) of not letting someone orgasm but getting very close.
Prolonged Anticipation: Creates a lot of frustration
Jealousy mixed with Sex: After seeing a partner flirting with someone else, or bringing in a third person. Learn how to Navigate Jealousy
Joy + Pleasure:
Falling in love
Partner especially lusting for you
Drugs
Novelty
Feeling especially seen or connected to by a partner
Feeling especially romantic with a partner
Intense beauty: in a hot spring, surrounded by particular beauty, or a particular attraction
Intense pleasurable sensations or sounds: feathers, smells, sensations, especially if you love touch.
Attachment + Pleasure
Feeling deep attachment and connection can be very intense for some people
Sadness + pleasure
Breakup sex
Sex after a fight
Sex during grief
Talking about something that makes you sad or experience loss while in a state of pleasure
Pain + pleasure:
Just enough pain but not too much: People’s tolerance towards pain goes up as arousal goes up, so start slow.
Choking, spanking, etc.
Wrestling and fighting
Contradictory Feelings + pleasure:
Human beings don’t like to experience complicated, ambivalent feelings, and this intensity leads people to prefer resolution. However, if you have just enough opposing contradictory feelings, and not too much, you can create a peak erotic experience.
Sex with someone you’re not sure you should: I’m married, but…
Sex with someone you’re not totally attracted to: I don’t find them attractive, but I do, but I don’t, but I do…
I don’t want this but I do, but I don’t, but I do…
How to Figure out Your Sexual Recipe
If you want to have peak erotic experiences with a lover, there are two ways to investigate the flavors you are curious about:
Explore your fantasies (or see if any of the ideas above excite you). Let your mind wander and when a fantasy appears, identify what flavors accompany the fantasy.
Explore past especially hot erotic experiences and identify which flavors accompanied your sexual pleasure.
In each of these, it’s helpful to identify the sexiest moment of the experience/fantasy. Take a snapshot of the sexiest moment in the scene. That’s the moment to use to identify your sexual flavor.
One helpful note about fantasies I learned from my mentor, Keeley Rankin, is that:
If you don’t feel at least slightly uncomfortable by your fantasies, you haven’t gone far enough
You also may find out that your fantasy was better in your head than in real life. That is normal. Sometimes fantasies are best as fantasies. An exploration is a process and sometimes you go down a road that wasn’t quite right.
Exploring fantasies is like making pancakes; often the first pancake doesn’t turn out as well as the 3rd. Expect mistakes and awkwardness and learn together.
You are responsible for your turn-ons; the more details you share of your fantasy the more likely it is to happen the way you want; your partner can’t read your mind.
You might be surprised by what you like. But first, this requires sharing vulnerably with your partner (the vulnerable conversation itself is an intense experience which leads to hot hot sex). If you’re not sure where to start, sharing this article might be a good place to start, and might create hours of anticipation.