Only You Can Enforce Your Own Boundaries
Boundaries paradoxically allow you to get closer to others
Accountability: Initially I wrote this post as “only you can violate your own boundaries” after a convo with a friend who has been waiting for their partner to treat them a certain way for a long time. My impact was to empower others in that situation, but the impact of the post was disempowering. I received feedback from someone brave enough to tell me how that title made them feel. I believe that I had an impact of shaming people who’s power was or has been taken away from them, in the moment, because of trauma which wasn’t their fault, or because of systemic violations. I really regret that and I feel quite sad for the impact I had. I’ve updated the post accordingly.
The post:
Boundaries are an agreement between you and you, enforceable only by you.
We live in a world in which other people violate boundaries, and there are power imbalances and trauma which is not our fault. Knowing our boundaries and feeling safe to assert our boundaries, and changing the systems we live in so more people feel safe-enough to exert boundaries will be subjects of future posts. In this post I am defining a boundary, which is an agreement between you and you.
An example of a boundary is:
When someone raises their voice at me, I ask them to lower their tone or take a break from the conversation.
When someone lies repeatedly to me, I leave the relationship
When my personal space is invaded, I will ask for more distance.
When I receive a work request after hours, I will address it the next business day unless it’s an emergency.
When a friend cancels plans repeatedly, I will stop making new plans with them and focus on relationships that are more reliable.
Boundaries allow you to feel powerful
Boundaries allow you to live life with more joy because you’ve made a promise to take care of yourself when other people do things that hurt.
Boundaries: Pain from other people is inevitable, but staying in that pain (suffering) is my choice.
Boundaries: The boundary where I can love you while loving myself.
People aren’t in the world to take care of you, can’t read your mind, and are messy just like you. If you wait for other people to take care of you, you will suffer. If you commit to taking care of yourself, most life situations become workable. You can expect pain, without creating suffering: With boundaries, life contains less of a struggle or anxiety because you don’t abandon yourself anymore.
Paradoxically, boundaries allow you to be closer to others; you become less afraid of enduring pain in connection. It’s imperfect, however, as the world is not perfectly safe. Hopefully boundaries move us towards safer.
Boundaries vs Preferences:
An important question is to ask yourself whether you’ll actually enforce the boundary you set.
For example, when someone cancels plans repeatedly, will I stop making new plans with them?
If the answer is yes, then it’s a boundary.
However, if there’s a part of me that’s doubtful whether I might still make new plans with them, then this is not a boundary - it’s a preference.
If it’s a preference, how does that settle with you? Check if you want to adapt your boundary until you know you’ll enforce it, or accept that it’s simply a preference.