People Are Mirrors
You might be surprised what you can learn about yourself when you study who you’re attracted to, who irritates you, and who you envy.
Studying who you want to seduce can reveal traits you’re trying to “consume” externally that you want for yourself internally. No amount of consumption of another will ever give you the peace of filling the hole internally.
What you dislike about others often reveals what you dislike about yourself.
When you blame the cause of your emotion on another, without curiosity into your lens of viewing them, you strengthen the neural pathways of being life’s passenger instead of life’s driver.
People are mirrors.
What do you see?
5. The Mirror of Envy
If you experience envy of another, is it because you want what they have for yourself? For example, I often envy artists, which shows me that I want to devote more of my time to art. Envy is a great compass to what you want to prioritize.
// Explore what you envy in another to discover growth areas, hobbies or projects you may want to prioritize.
4. The Mirror of Irritation
If you find someone irritating, is it because you haven’t accepted those same parts of yourself?1 For example, sometimes I find people who are insecure or socially awkward irritating, which shows me that my growth edge is to further accept my own insecurities and awkwardness. It’s probably why I can’t watch The Office.
// Explore your irritations with another and examine the part of your inner child which was neglected, punished, shamed, or abandoned for displaying that “irritating” behavior. Practice providing the missing attuned, loving, and protective presence you wish you received instead of the reaction you got to that behavior. Neurons that fire together, wire together, so if you have an ongoing practice2 of attuning to these parts of yourself that you learned to abandon as a child, you will find peace.
3. The Mirror of Attraction
If you find someone attractive, is it because they have something (e.g. self acceptance, playfulness, inner-power) you want for yourself?
// Examine what about someone you find attractive and see if that’s something you want to work towards. If you had that attribute, what feeling would you have for yourself? That feeling is what you’re after, not the actual trait that person has. How can you provide yourself that feeling instead of needing something else to get it?
On the other side of the same coin, does this attractive person expose something you have yet to love about yourself that you are trying to consume externally to fill your void internally?
// Examine someone you find attractive and check if there is a part of you that feels lonely for not having what they have. Instead of striving to fill the void to belong, see if you can love yourself as you are. The most painful part is not another leaving you, but you leaving yourself. Stay with yourself. Create an inner sense of belonging.
// Comparison is a way to leave your feeling. When you compare, ask yourself what difficult feeling are you trying to protect yourself from feeling?3 Instead of leaving your feeling, allow the feeling - say yes to it4 as opposed to disassociating into comparison - and the pain will go away. Emily Nagoski shares that “emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.”5 In my own life, when I fully experience my emotion instead of leaving it, most emotions only last for 60 seconds. However, when I leave the emotion and stop in the middle of the tunnel, I may stay in the darkness for hours or days.
In addition, does this attractive person reflect back something you love about yourself? The gold you see in others may be the gold you have in yourself.6
// Examine someone you find attractive and check if there is a part of you that feels pride in being the same way.
2. The Mirror of Resentment
If you experience resentment towards another, is it because you want to do something they are doing?7 For example, someone I know is quick to speak their needs and preferences without being polite, and I have often resented them for it. At first, I interpreted my emotion as anger (“why are they so selfish?”) and then I placed the mirror on me and realized my anger was a flavor of resentment: I felt angry because I wanted what they had - the ability to state needs and desires unapologetically. This is a growth edge of mine.
// Explore your resentment of another for behaviors you want for yourself.
1. The Mirror of Control
Are the parts you try to control in others the parts you try to control in yourself? For example, if you judge another’s body or feel the need to control their food behavior, examine your own relationship with food and your own body. Liberate yourself by accepting your body as is instead of perpetually suffering in trying to change your reality.8
Trying to control is similar into the comparison trap, in that both are an effort to avoid feeling a difficult feeling.
// Think about a behavior in others you are trying to control to see if you haven’t accepted that behavior in yourself or if you are avoiding another feeling. Consider either boundaries or acceptance as two strategies that remove the suffering created by controlling.
*Boundaries
Sometimes the answer is to simply spend less time around that person or set boundaries. Boundaries are misunderstood: they are not an agreement to impose on another, rather they are an agreement with yourself about your behavior in response to someone else. The boundary is the edge of where you can love someone else while still loving yourself.9
Free yourself from the suffering of controlling another, instead make agreements with yourself about how you will engage or disengage with others depending on their behavior (e.g. I will leave the room if someone yells at me). Being able to set a boundary like that is an immense privilege that not everyone has due to this systemic oppression.
// Are there boundaries you need to set for yourself?
// Are you letting their opinions or judgements live in your head rent free without a boundary to those opinions?10
// Are you prioritizing another’s emotion over yours?11
*Acceptance
A dear friend and psychologist, Michael Ray, taught me about using Acceptance as a way to remove suffering in his therapy work with Chronic Pain clients in the hospital.12 He explained pain ≠ suffering. The back chronic pain a client feels may be inevitable, whereas the suffering that follows the pain is a choice. For example, if a client repeatedly decides to stay in instead of being with friends due to back pain, they have created suffering. The back pain is inevitable, the loneliness that followed was a choice.
// What new options for enjoying the relationship are available when you accept the person or the relationship as-is, without trying to make it anything else?
*But can’t I just dislike someone without it meaning something about me?
We all dislike people. You can dislike someone and that be the end of the story, but if the thought of dislike lingers when you are away from them, there may be something more in it for you.
The more it lingers in your thoughts, the more likely this is a personal growth edge.
2024 Reflections
Use the mirror as a compass for 2024. It will point you towards your growth edges.
Irritation and attraction will point you towards which parts of yourself you want to love more in 2024.
Resentment and attraction will point you towards which behaviors you may want to try on in 2024.
Envy will point you towards what hobbies or projects you may want to try in 2024.
Control and Irritation will point you towards what boundaries you may want to set in 2024
Control and Irritation may also point you towards what you may want to accept as reality instead of fighting against what is - so you can eliminate suffering in 2024.
Attraction can also point to what you love about yourself, choose to spend more time in pleasure in those things in 2024. Pleasure is the fuel for life.
Carl Jung’s Shadow work explained in this Youtube Video
Tara Brach’s RAIN practice has really helped me
Keeley Rankin, my mentor, taught me this wonderful question.
Saying yes to the experience is from Emotional Chaos to Clarity
Thank you Jake Juarez for pointing this out.
Brenee Brown’s Atlas of the Heart
I learned this from my intuitive eating and body image coaching from Emily Van Eck
The folks at Multiamory have my favorite podcast episode about boundaries
Libby Sinback taught me about internal boundaries in her relationship course
Thank you Michael Ray